I'm Barely Here
by MoonyLupin5972
Summary: Takes place during Order of the Phoenix. A darker twist on the book. Harry's crumbling under the pressure that mounts for his 5th year at Hogwarts. Will anyone notice? Or will he just drown in silence?
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter 1**

 **Author's Note:**

I suppose I should put a trigger warning here. This story has a lot of angst. There is a suicide attempt and some pretty dark feelings described.

As the same as everyone else, I don't own Harry Potter.

Please review and let me know any comments you may have... Thank you!

* * *

 **Summary:**

It was another dry summer day on Number 4 Privet Drive, Little Whinging, Surrey. Most people were holed up in their houses with the AC turned all the way up, avoiding the heat as long as they could. However, one teenager didn't receive the comfort of the AC during the summer. He spent his time doing numerous manual labor tasks around the house. This is because Harry Potter wasn't most people. No Harry was quite extraordinary. Not that he felt that way. Harry felt the only thing extraordinary about him was the extraordinary bad luck he had that followed him everywhere…

* * *

"Finish painting that fence before weeding the garden, boy! Make sure it's done right or you'll regret it!" yelled Uncle Vernon from the doorway.

"Yes, sir" replied Harry, tiredly. He had been doing chores for the entire day on an empty stomach. Not that he wasn't used to it. He just seemed to lack his usual motivation. Vernon's threats didn't mean much to him anymore and while he used to look forward to the end of the summer, now he was dreading it. Cedric's death haunted him every night. He was always going over in his mind what he could have done differently to save Cedric's life. Going back to Hogwarts would just make him think about the night in the graveyard even more.

Vernon retreated back into the house with the door slamming. Harry went to the shed to get some paint to start on the fence. Most wouldn't notice and many didn't notice how Harry's shoulders slumped while he walked or how sunken his eyes were. He betrayed the look of a pained soldier coming home from war and not many people could see how close he was to breaking.

While starting on the side furthest from the house, Harry began painting the white picket fence. It was tedious and repetitive work but it did keep his mind occupied. It was the nights alone in his room that was the darkest of times.

He finished the fence in good time and was able to weed the garden by nightfall. While coming in the house for the night, Harry bypassed his so-called "family" and went straight to his room.

He glanced around to see if anything had to be done, but no. He had finished his homework within the first two weeks of summer break and Hedwig was hunting. He also checked to see if any letters came when he was out, but there wasn't any on his desk. Every time he saw no one wrote to him, a little spark of anger ignited within him. He kept thinking that maybe one of his friends would write to him but so far no one has. He wrote to Ron and Hermione a few times in the beginning of summer but his posts went unanswered. With the anger that came with being ignored there lay a sadness that his friends of 4 years would cut ties with him after everything that has happened.

Absolutely alone, Harry fell into an unrestful sleep…

 _"Bring my body back, will you? Bring my body back to my father…" Cedric pleads_

 _"Kill the spare!"_

 _"AVADA KEDAVRA!" Green light flashes_

 _"Crucio!" Hot knifes attacking his nerves_

Pain flashed across the side of his face. "Shut your bloody mouth, Boy! You woke the entire house up with your infernal screaming!" yelled Vernon after punching Harry to wake him up.

Harry cupped the side of his face, knowing that it will swell soon. "Sorry, Uncle. Won't happen again".

"It better not! Do well to remember that! You won't like what happens next time" Vernon left Harry's room, slamming the door shut and putting back the locks in place.

Harry could feel his eyes watering, whether from the pain physically or emotionally. He glanced around and saw Hedwig hadn't returned yet. Deciding it better to just keep himself busy instead of trying to fall asleep again he got up and sat down at his beaten desk. Noticing he hadn't kept track of the days on his calendar, he crossed off the days that had past. As he did this he realized, yesterday was July 31st. He was 15 now and hadn't realized his birthday had just past. Another year older and he felt like he wished he was dead. Harry pictured his death as freedom. Maybe he would see his parents, maybe he could apologize to Cedric, and maybe just maybe he could escape the pain of living.

This wasn't the first time he thought about dying. He certainly came close to dying before. But, Harry was reaching his breaking point. What was the point to living when you dread being alive? There are few things that cause him to be happy anymore. Talking with his friends was one of them, he enjoyed flying on his Firebolt, and he enjoyed reading. Not reading textbooks like Hermione but reading to escape reality. To immerse himself into another character's life.

Harry decided to pick up a battered copy of his favorite book and reread that before it was time to cook breakfast. He had read it many times before but each time he was able to pick up something he hadn't before.

Harry read until the sun rose and read wishing that maybe he would get a letter tomorrow. Maybe his friends would reach out and let him know they still care…


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter 2**

 **Summary:**

Three days after Harry's missed birthday, his first letter of the summer was delivered, the start of term Hogwarts letter. He wasn't in his room to receive it, though. No, Harry was doing what Harry does best; he was embracing his "saving people thing"…

* * *

After cooking a hearty breakfast for his "loving family", Harry got a measly burnt piece of toast and was kicked out of the house for the rest of the day. Petunia's gardening club was meeting at the house and she didn't want Harry seen by her club. Harry didn't particularly care, as this allowed him to miss his chores of the day.

Harry wandered around the neighborhood and trekked to the local park. It was a dodgy park with a set of swings (that only had one that wasn't broken) and a playground structure with a long slide that was graffitied many times. Harry took a seat on a swing and just started to let his mind wander. There weren't many people out in the heat and Harry was left alone to his thoughts.

He mostly wondered if he did anything to his friends to make them ditch him like that over the summer. He knew Ron and his falling out made things a little weird at school but he thought that they had made up. And Hermione, well, he thought for sure she wouldn't forget about him. She made sure at the end of the year that both Ron and he would write…

Harry started to reflect about the end of term. How he was called a liar by the Minister while still shaking from the effects of the Cruciatus Curse. How he was almost lead to his death by one of his favorite professors who turned out to be a Death Eater…

Snapped from his thoughts, Harry heard a scream from nearby. It looked like Dudley and his gang had cornered a young boy from the neighborhood and were in the process of jumping him. Harry bolted to the commotion.

"Hey, Big D! Are you really that much of a coward that 10 year olds are the only people you can beat up?" yelled Harry.

Dudley stopped from punching the boy and signaled for his gang to let the kid go. As soon as he was released the boy bolted from the scene.

"You're one to talk about cowards, Potter! You almost pissed yourself when you got dirt on the floor!" snarled Dudley.

Harry was grabbed from two members of Dudley's gang. He tried to fight the hold but they were about twice Harry's size. With his arms pinned behind his back, Harry was completely defenseless to Dudley's sharp right hook. Harry's glasses flew off his face, broken. Harry's best chance in the situation was just to let Dudley continue until he got tired. Harry knew how these events went. If he ever tried to defend himself, Vernon would make sure he would be sorry.

Allowing his mind to go blank and accept his punishment for getting involved, he slightly toned out Dudley's monologue…

"I'm surprised you're still allowed to stay in the house, given you murdered that boy at your school! I bet you fancied him, didn't you Potter? Dad always thought you were a little queer!" taunted Dudley.

"SHUT UP!" snapped Harry.

The ignition of anger sparked an adrenaline rush in Harry. Harry felt his face get red hot and his magic started to flow out of him, like the time with Aunt Marge. But Harry's outburst wasn't the only change in the situation. The wind starting picking up, clouds darkened the skies, and it got cold. Colder than it has been all summer.

"Stop it! What are you doing!" panicked Dudley, looking at Harry.

"Come on D! Let's go!" said one of Dudley's friends. His gang sensing a storm coming started to leave.

Harry was dropped on the ground, his anger vanishing. He knew the effects of Dementors, but didn't understand why they would be there. Dudley took off in the direction of the park shelter, but didn't make it far. A large Dementor swooped down and grabbed Dudley in their skeletal hands. Harry had no time to stand up before another Dementor came upon him…

 _Green light. "Avada Kedavra!"_

 _His Mom, screaming._

 _Cedric falling backward with lifeless eyes._

 _Sirius lying on the ground of the Forbidden Forest having Dementors attack him…_

"No!" Harry snapped out of the memories for a split second. He grabbed his wand from inside his wand holster on his ankle.

Trying to come up with a happy memory, Harry was able to yell, "EXPECTO PATRONUM!"

A brilliant white stag emerged and pushed the closest Dementor back. The other Dementor attacking Dudley sensed the Patronus and released him. Both Dementors were driven away and Harry was able to lose his concentration letting the Patronus disappear.

Trying to gather himself, Harry stood up. He staggered from dizziness and noticed he was covered in blood from his nose. Harry stashed his wand away and made his way towards Dudley. Dudley was lying on his back, catatonic. Harry nudged him with his foot and got no response. Knowing he couldn't leave Dudley there he put Dudley's arm around his shoulder and started on his way to the house. Dudley was twice his size and Harry struggled dragging him, but Dudley wasn't completely gone. He started to walk a bit, leaning heavily on Harry. They trekked back to the house in silence. Harry was so on edge that he flinched when a squirrel ran across the road.

Harry was wondering what Dementors were doing in Surrey. Why did they attack him? Were they under the command of Voldemort? How was he going to contact the Ministry? Should he send an owl? If so to who?

Harry got Dudley inside the house alright, that was until Petunia walked into the living room. She screeched and starting checking Dudley for any injuries.

"What happened?! Dudley are you alright? Who hurt you?" question Petunia, driving Vernon to enter the living room. She hadn't registered Harry was there until Dudley pointed at him.

"You?! What did you do to Dudley?! Fix him!" she yelled, from sitting next to Dudley on the couch. Vernon strode towards Harry with malice in his eyes. He grabbed Harry by his collar and slammed him against the wall.

"I didn't do anything! We were attacked by Dementors!" Harry yelled to Petunia.

"Dementors?! What are those things?! You fix Dudley right now or else!" said Vernon in Harry's face.

"Dementors are these creatures that guard a wizarding prison. They suck happiness out of you. I can't fix it, but he'll feel better soon! Eating chocolate can help!" said Harry quickly. Vernon looked like he believed Harry lost his mind and was about to punch him, but Petunia spoke up.

"I've heard of them, before, from Lily" she quietly said. Vernon dropped Harry and turned to Petunia.

"Well, what do we do?" said Vernon.

"I think we listen to the boy and wait" she said.

"Fine. But I want you gone!" Vernon said pointing at Harry. "I've had enough trouble from you and will not tolerate this nonsense anymore!"

Harry was about to reply, but an owl darted through an open window and quickly left after dropping a letter. Vernon proceeded to swear about magic in his house, but Harry was more concerned about the letter with a Ministry seal. He quickly opened it and realized he left his glasses at he park. He held it closer to his face and read:

 _Dear Mr. Potter,_

 _We have received intelligence that you performed the Patronus Charm at twenty-three minutes past four this afternoon in a Muggle-inhabited area and in the presence of a Muggle._

 _The severity of this breach of the Decree for the Reasonable Restriction of Underage Sorcery has resulted in your expulsion from Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Ministry representatives will be calling at your place of residence shortly to destroy your wand._

 _Hoping you are well,_

 _Yours sincerely,_

 _Mafalda Hopkirk_

 _Improper Use of Magic Office Ministry of Magic_

Harry continued to reread the letter and stared at it in disbelief. He completely forgot that he wasn't supposed to use magic during the summer but his survival instinct just kicked in. How could they expel him if it was self-defense? Doesn't he get to tell them why he used magic in the first place?

"Did you hear me?! I want you out of this house right now!" yelled Vernon. Harry checked back into the situation.

"Fine, I'll leave…" Harry said as he headed upstairs to his room. Where would he go? He was expelled from Hogwarts and the Ministry was soon coming to the house to destroy his wand. He would have to live like a squib. What would he do? Live like Hagrid?

By the time Harry reached his room, his eyes were full of tears. He was kicked out of the only place he called home and he was going lose everything. He looked around his room and still had no ideas about where to go. It was as if something broke inside him physically. The tears stopped and he turned to the bathroom.

He cleaned off the blood from his face. He looked in the mirror and saw the start of some bad bruises on his face. As he looked in the mirror he remembered, Petunia had a surgery on her leg a couple years ago and refused to take the pain medication, so it was left in the medicine cabinet. What was there left for him to live for? Harry opened the door and grabbed the bottle. Heading to his room, he shut the door. Using his wand, he magically locked the door. What would be the point to stop using magic now? His wand was supposed to be destroyed soon.

Harry sat on his rickety bed and opened the bottle. He counted 32 white capsules. Assuming that would be enough, he started to take them in groups of 4. He took them with a water bottle he had next to his bed. On the second to last group, Harry's vision started to slant. He was able to finish them all before completely passing out…


End file.
